Baby talk.

"There is a voice that doesn't use words. Listen." Said Rumi.

The best poetry and the best work of God comes from an infants voice. How lucky am I to witness and hear that, first from Megha and now from Tanush. I do listen. I love to listen.

Tanush started responding with his smiles, goo goo gaaas, emmmm, gruuuus.... It makes me happy to just hear him. Everything else simply pales in comparison.
He holds my finger when he is feeding, oblivious to this world. When I go near him (when my mom is holding him), he starts kicking his hands and legs faster as if to say, "I hear you". Oh baby. I love you to bits and pieces.

Actions and Reactions

Continuing the post from yesterday. All I could do last night was think about Megha (while holding Tanush almost all night) and how she was in the car yesterday, returning from the swimming lessons. When she took her seat-belt off when I was still driving, I was really scared (unreasonably scared). When I started yelling, she stopped responding. She said, No, I wont put the seat-belt on. I yelled once more and she did put the belt back on. All the while Tanush screaming in the seat. I was torn between driving fast to get home fast and pick him up and driving slow as her seat-belt was off. Some say I just need to zone things out. I am trying. As a mom, it doesnt come naturally to me. It will need some work.

After coming home, she refused to get off from the car. I am not sure if she was scared I would continue to be upset or she was being difficult in general. But later at night while holding Tanush, I started replaying what all happened.

All Megha was doing was protecting herself. From me. From my anger in that moment.
When one encounters a threat (verbal in this case), the brain sends forth a defense mechanism. You do what you can to shield yourself from the impact. Thats all Megha was doing. I started yelling, she started her thing. Very rarely, I catch her lie. When you corner her and she feels threatened to say the truth, she lies.

I seriously need some parenting lessons!

Guilty mommy

Sometimes I struggle to make a judgement call when it comes to being a mom.

This evening after swimming lessons, Megha seemed very off. She didn't want to buckle in no matter how many times I had asked her to. By then Tanush started crying. The silly boy hates car seats. I had to really yell at Megha. I hate yelling. I absolutely do.

After we started driving, in the middle of the road she took off her seatbelt. The bottle cap had fallen off and she was trying to reach it. I got annoyed because I had told her 100's of times to stay buckled in. I told her again and she was taking her sweet time and looking around, not really Manding attempts at buckling herself in. I got upset again and yelled at her. Told her no ice cream. She asked for lion king CD, I said no for she was being difficult. She pleaded and then she yelled. I didn't budge. 

Later at home I realized that she was being so difficult because of all the power struggle. The girl just wanted lion king. Should I have given in? I don't know. If I did, does it reinforce that I will give in even when she is being difficult and not listen? I don't know.

Regression or not?

Megha will probably hate me when she sees this when she grows up. She is going through something like a regression of late when it comes to potty. Our family doctor had told us to expect this. When I saw her when Tanush was 2 weeks old, everything was fine. No accidents, nothing. 2 weeks since, things changed. As hard as its to control our frustration, I am trying my best self to positively reinforce the potty again. We have to specifically ask her to sit on potty for poo these days. All my research (online) shows that its a completely normal scenario when a new sibling arrives at home. Thank it will be ok in a few weeks to a few months.
My heart went out for her yesterday when she was sitting on the potty. She goes, "mommy, I am really really trying. I dont want to disappoint mommy daddy". And then she sings a potty song.

It must be so hard for her with so many new things thrown at her. First the grandparents visit, then the baby, then the school, then something going on every other day after school....a busy day. She doesnt openly say anything but I feel she is trying her best to take it all in. She is all but 4 (almost). I was talking to a friend of mine (who has two kids herself) and she made a statement which is so treu. Having a baby at home to Megha is like your husband bringing home a new, younger wife. He spends 75 to 90% of the time with the new wife. The older one cannot do anything to change it.....so, it is up to us to help her understand that she is still loved. It doesnt happen in 2 months. It takes time. I am trying myself...

Some days are much harder when she throws a major tantrum for a reason I simply cannot see. The past 4 nights Tanush hasnt been sleeping well, which means I am up every 30 minutes through out the night, every night. I started chanting (Daimoku) to bring some much needed calmness. 

The real deal....to tell or not to tell?

This evening, I was looking a book for my mom to read. The book happened to be Anne Frank's diary. I was telling some really good things about that book to mom and she wanted to read it. After Megha's snack and before her ballet lessons, Megha asked me who that girl is on the book. Megha loves new books and so she was curious. I told her it was Anne Frank. She wanted to now who Anne Frank was. I was torn between explaining her who she really was.

For those of you who don't know Anne Frank, she was a young girl in hiding (with her family) during holocaust.
Megha wanted to know Anne Frank. She asked me, "tell me Anne Frank's story", just like she often says "tell me Tanush's story". I wonder when is the right time to introduce Holocaust to her. I briefly told her some parts and quickly gave her a Kinder surprise to get her to stop asking me more questions.
I always thought my biggest struggle would be to explain that Santa isn't real! 

"I have Hands!!"

If Tanush can talk, he would be saying "I have hands!" Right now. The boy started realizing that he has hands of his own and he loves moving them around. When I leave him on the gym/mat with a few toys around, he tries to slowly grab on to them. He has a firm grip now and loves to hold my finger when I am feeding him.

On the flip side of his experiments with his hands, at times he gets really frustrated. Like, when I am feeding him, he pushes me away, effectively losing his latch. He thinks I am doing it and starts to cry because he is not "done" drinking his milk :)
Sometimes when he is playing he hits himself with his hands and starts to cry or throw angry looks at me! The silly boy :) guess most babies do this all but it doesn't take my pleasure away.

Megha in the morning (every morning) asks me to tell he "Tanush's  story" when I am brushing her teeth, meaning what all he did during the night. She is most interested in knowing what color poop he went. She absolutely loves it when I make up stories about the color instead of just saying the right color :)