Sunday, March 8, 2015

Updates (or is it?)

Things are so different with this pregnancy. So very different compared to my last pregnancy. They say each pregnancy is different and while I was partially prepared for that, I just wasnt prepared for the intensity of change.

With my first pregnancy, I gradually put on weight. This one seems so different. I started with 130 lb (60 ks), lost some weight and at 15 weeks, I am still 130 lb. By now I should have gained at least 8 lb. Oh well, there is still time. History shows I have no problem putting on weight. ha ha

The major downside is the sleep deprivation. Since day 1 of the pregnancy I had trouble staying asleep and I thought come second trimester, it will get better. But no. its getting worse. For example this morning (or night, i must say), i woke up at 2 AM and thats it for the night. I simply cannot go back to sleep. Its funny though, all day I wait for bed time (which is not a good sign at all) and when it finally does come, i cannot sleep and when I do sleep, I cannot stay asleep.

I think about Megha, about baby, about how life will change again, my parents visit, my work, bills, C-section, whether or not I will be OK....mostly I worry. Some of the popular pregnancy books say its normal to feel this way, this way of not being happy, that it will be OK in the end. One can only hope. I want to cry most of the time. Its an effort to get past a single day without crying.

I havent even started looking into baby names yet. With the first one, by now Anand and I had a list made. Oh well. I wish to fall asleep and when I wake up, it is time delivery. I keep telling myself and i know it that baby is more important than anything right now, so, I try to stay positive, which is not very easy these days to me.
I hope the baby understands that to hate being pregnant does not mean I hate the baby itself. I feel guilty for feeling this way. I had a happy pregnancy with Megha. How I wish this time around its the same. It is not right or even appropriate to feel this way, but this is what i feel right now and I just cannot help it.

So as you can now see, why I hardly write anything in this space anymore.

P.S: I dragged myself to get a couple of baby things last night. In an attempt to feel more positive. One step at a time and one day at a time.